Saturday, November 14, 2009
My best friend that I have written about on here before Hibbie, lost his father this past week so I feel for him.The month of November has actually all and all been ok for me.October ended badly for me.I spent a week out at my trailer taking care of my 13 year old nephew.Driving him home from school, to football practice and cooked him dinner every night.My sister Joy and husband Mike were celebrating thier anniversary.The weather was really hot down here in south Florida so, I decided to stay the following week in my trailer.So on the Friday of the second week I looked at my bottle of pain medicine(Oxycontin) and I only had 8 pills left.I know that there were 48 pills when I got there because I took 3 and added to a bottle of 45.I always mark down when I take them so I do not take to much at one time.I was missing 16 pills.My nephew Steve who is 25 and has had a problem with these in the past lives at Joy's house.I went in to let Joy know and said"I just want to bring something to your attention."When I told her she said to me "it is your fault,you should have hide them better."Mind you they were in my travel trailer with the rest of my medicines.I just went in the trailer, I was boiling. I text Steve to tell him if he is going to take them from me to sell he should at least give me some of the money.He cursed me and wrote very hurtfull things.I was so mad I told him that I was going to beat him up when he got home.I admit my bad.But of course he calls his mommy and she asks"Why are you threatening my son." I responded"because he stole from me."Then Joy and Mike said it was my fault for not locking my travel trailer door.I said "I came to you to tell you that your son stold narcotics from me and your responses were it was my fault for not hiding them better or locking my door."I then said" OK Tomorrow I should call the police, since narcotics were stolen."Joy in her infinite wisdom said and I swear she actually said this"You can't call the police because your trailer is on my property."Then Mike starts screaming to the point Joy was telling him to calm down "LOCK THE DOOR, LOCK THE DOOR"He popped off the couch while he was screaming, right towards my face.I threw down my cane to defend myself.Then Joy pops up screaming :HOW DARE YOU ." What would you do if someone screaming like a maniac jumps up to get in your face?At that point I was out of my mind with anger.I still never hit anybody.My 13 year old nephew got involved and I yelled at him.The next day I text him to apologize.So it was about 11pm I packed my car with the stuff from the trailer and drove home.Mike actually got in his car and backed it up down the street to watch me leave like he was in danger or something.In the text to my 13 year old nephew where I apologized to him, I asked him to have his parents text me when I can come and pick up my trailer off thier property.
Joy is just like my mother was, and why I did not talk to her for most of my life.It is the exact reason that I stay to myself most of the time.If either of them has something on you,in this case my trailer being on her property.They will throw it in your face all the time.You are not allowed to have an opinion about anything that does not agree with thier narrow view of the world.Even before all this happened, everytime I went to my trailer the only time I went in the house was to shower, use the restroom, get ice or if they invited me for dinner.The rest of the time I stayed in the trailer to myself.I honestly do not want to ever talk to any of then again.I am tired of walking on eggshells to please people less intelligent then myself. I can not wait to move my trailer off thier property, so they have nothing on me.
Anyway, sorry to harp on that situation but I am still flaming mad about it.But like I said November has been going pretty well for me.I am booked and payed for 11 nights in Cheraw State Park in South Carolina.I will be there March 27 to April 7th.On the 7th I will drive a little over a hundred miles to Willow Tree Resorts for the 2010 RV-Dreams Rally.I am booked for the Rally too.I am going to be in site #32, and hope to see many of you thier.Depending on when or even if my place sells I could be a fulltimer sooner ,but reguardless I will be a fulltimer in March 2010! Yippie!!!!See ya next time.......
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
My Great nephew Christoper and I
The bride Brittani and I
You can see in this picture it was the end of the night and I was a sweaty mess.But I am glad that I was there even after all my complaining and pain.Brittani never asks me for anything so it was nice to be there.My Dolphins lost again in a game they dominated, such is life.I am going to try to get on the chat line tonight.Hope to see you.Til next time.....
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My Cousin Cory
Cory's Husband Jerry
Jerry's son Conner
Cory and Jerry's son
Shot from campground near Cory's House
Sorry it took me so long it seems like everything that I do is a struggle these days.On this past Saturday I did go to my sister Joy's house for the day.It would have been my mother's 66th birthday, so she invited my sister Donna and my Dad up for the day.I slept so late that by the time I got there I missed Donna. But I was able to go see my nephew Brandon play his football game and have a nice time visiting with my Dad.On Sunday it was all about the first week of the NFL season.My Dolphins looked terrible but there were enough good games to still make it an enjoyable day relaxing.My Sunday football days are my favorite days of the year and I am not all that happy I have to give one up even for a wedding.But at least the Dolphins play next Monday night so I wont miss there game.Many think it selfish or strange that Sunday NFL football means so much to me but there are very few things that I can do that make me fully happy.It would have been a tough call if the Dolphins were playing on Sunday but as luck would have it I do not need to make that call.Going to a church on a NFL Sunday for any reason is a bad day to me.I am against religion and not a big fan of marriage.But my niece Brittani never asks me for anything and I am glad that I can be there for her, on her big day.Like the event or location or not, it is for her.I know I am crazy but I only get a certain number of football Sundays a year and they mean a great deal to me.Any way I will see you next time I write......
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Today I do not feel well at all it is raining real bad so the pressure must be high and boy do I feel it.I slept solid all night an woke up like I did not sleep at all.I have a call in to Patricia, who is the owner of the South Bend,Indiana KOA that I will be workamping at next May.Her and her husband were discussing different ways to use me for the season.Hopefully she will call back while I am still writing so I can update all of you on the plan for my first workamping experience.Of course I was suppose to be there working this year but those darn medical issues blocked my fun.Plus, I did not sell my place so I still had an anchor around my neck.Looking at workamper news magazine there are a plethora of choices for the summer but for some reason or another I keep getting pulled to Granger,Indiana.I have no ties what so ever to the area, but I think it's close proximity to Chicago draws me to the area.Also, seeing a football game at Notre Dame is near the top of my bucket list.Seeing the Cubs play at Wrigley field and going to a Packers game at lambeau field are high on the bucket list as well.This location in Indiana offers access to so many great places.It is a couple hours away from Indianapolis, so the 500 and the brickyard are within reach.Cincinnati Oh is only a little further down the road to go see a Bengals or reds game.Michigan is only a couple miles a way and Detroit is a few hours a way to see a Lions,Tigers, Red Wings, Pistons Game.Then Cleveland is a little further to see the rock and roll hall of fame, a Browns,Indians,Cavs game.Then Canton Oh has the NFL hall of fame, which for any NFL fan is the holy grail. I mentioned seeing a Cubs game in Chicago but there is also the Bears, White Sox,Bulls, and Blackhawks.That is just the sports in the area there is so much American history and beauty to be found as well. And I intend to find it too. Well I have not heard back from Patricia yet , but when she calls I will include the conversation in tomorrow's log.Till then my friends.....
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Yesterday was actually a pretty good day for me.I was able to get many things accomplished that needed to be be done.I got an advance from Frank to pay that monster of an electric bill.Then I went to the post office to mail in my $100 rebate from Verizon from my new phone.I also went and got revolution for my cats to keep the fleas away.Spoke to the attorney in charge of my Mom's estate and everything is on schedule for December.I did not have a good day on the phones booking appointments but I think I was just tired from running around.I also finally got my mail, which has not been done in a while.It might not sound like to much but for me it was an extremely busy day.I also moved my doctors appointment to Friday morning. I am not looking forward to that one at all.I;m afraid that he is going to find something else wrong with me.Something is not right with me feeling this tired all the time and having these major headaches.We will see what he says on Friday but I will see you all tomorrow.......
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I get to pay a $550 electric bill this month from running my messed up ac last month.I have until Monday to pay it.I asked Frank if I can borrow the money for a week.I get my check on the third of the month so I will be able to pay him back then.On a brighter side in 90 days or so I will get some cash from my Mom's estate.My sister's and I have to get together to get a plan together on selling my Mom's house and property.Tonight at 8pm I will be watching the Miami Dolphins third preseason game.This is the most important of the preseason games because the starters on both teams play for about three quarters of the game.See you next time....
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
My mind shuts my body and brain down to the point that I can not function.Not a conscience choice but an involuntary paralysis of my mind that turns off my functionality.It would be like trying to play a video game without the controller.Tonight, this morning I am writing about this for several reasons.One being that I think that it needs to be written and read by myself once in a while to keep me from beating myself up.Another is to remind my few readers that my words are never meant to cause pain or hurt anyone other then myself once in a while.So if at anytime if I have said anything that hurt anybody I apologize with all my heart.I am not saying I am sorry for any of my beliefs or non beliefs as it might be but to anything that might have been focused off of myself.On those days where for some reason I feel my butt needs a good kicking is only meant to hurt me and to vent.Dee,Rick, and Penny thank you for sharing your consistent patterns with me.You motivated me with your own stories and that should be all of our goals in life.
I've already mentioned Dee, who is such a wonderful person with a wide open heart.Rick my one true sports fan friend on the chat line and Penny the ray of sunshine second one she enters the room.Others that I have to mention that have touched me in such positive are many and I will try not to forget anyone if I do TO BAD!! No just kidding I'm sorry I forgot.Phyllis you are the friend everyone needs in their corner.Rob, man you and I have shared alot of personal stuff.Deb you are the fun loving girl that tells it like it is like it or not.I know there is a democrat in you somewhere.Nonna I love your accounts of all of your travels.Netters and Mac are the coolest people that I have ever met from Kansas.Of course they are the only people I've met from Kansas.In all seriousness these are two people I cannot wait to give big hugs one day.Their caring and love for people comes across any computer screen.Jake always has something cool going on in his little Texas town.Leno is like a caring aunt that only wants the best for you.Bill besides being cool in the shadow is the man to talk to if you need info.Lisa , even though I have not scene her in a while, is the constant comedian with a Tennessee sized heart.John our fire man is always been nothing but kind to me.Jenny always makes great points in her comments.Joe aka Speedy is just an unbelievable human being.Even though I have never had the honor and privilege of meeting him. He might never know how much our little chats have meant to me.I know that I have come across as needy to him because I admire him so much but thank you so much for being you.Needy for Speedy- that's pretty funny.You are a great guy and I hope I have never pushed your hand of friendship anything but closer.Anna is always nice with good conversation.Sandra is always on chat to short and bringing lots of smiles.It has been a long time since I have had the luck to chat with Linda but what a wonderful person she is just because that is who she is as a person.And last but certainly not least mt first RV friend Howard.We have shared great emails and phone calls.The only hope I have for Howard is that we get the chance to become closer and better friends.OK enough butt kissing- no really you all mean and enhance my life so much.If I forgot anyone please leave me a comment and forgive me.
Truth is one day I will most likely take my own life.I say this not to put up a flag or show I am out of my head.I am 100% sane at this moment but one day my physical and mental pain will be to much for me.So it is important for me to tell people how I feel, when I have the chance.Thank each of you for giving even one second of your life caring about me and my life, it means everything to me.Well it is getting close to my trip to Arizona and it doesn't even seem real.Anyway I will see you later Love Dave........
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Yesterday Fred also did not deliver on the promise of letting me use his ac window unit.Luckily my friend Frank had a brand new window unit still in the box.He bought it as an emergency unit for after a hurricane to use with a generator.It is a small unit and much better then nothing but it is still above 80 in the living room and warmer then that throughout the rest of the house.Talk about miserable.At least my cats can stay near the ac unit to keep cool and I slept right under it to finally get some sleep last night.Also last night I cashed in my free meal at Wendys.Boy did they go out of there way to make sure this meal was perfect and it was. Nothing else good or bad to report.See you tomorrow or Sunday...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
In a strange turn of events my mothers attorney in charge of her estate did not read the latest amendment of my Mom's will.I will actually make out much better in the revised will.Now I will get 25% of the sale of her house and property.Also 15% of whatever left over cash, stocks and other investment after all bills have been paid.So that was good news for me.
Another bit of good news is that I am flying to Tucson,AZ on the 20th of August til the 25th.I am going to spend some time with my cousin Cory and her husband Jerry.It just so happens that I needed to get away and Cory's friend works for the airline.She was able to get me a buddy pass for the flight.I will stay at their house. so besides eating out and any activities we might do,I have no expenses.
Some potential great news that I will find out for sure tomorrow is that I think my place is sold.My neighbor across the street has an Uncle staying with them and he was looking for an inexpensive place close to family.He is suppose to go to the bank to get me a down payment tomorrow.We shook hands on it and he seems to be very excited about buying my place.We will see what happens tomorrow! We already have a move in date established of October first.I just hope everything actually goes as planned, for a change.
My air conditioning is down again! This time it needs an entire new unit.Fred, the potential buyer is aware of the air and is actually going to put a window unit in for me tomorrow, until he can fix the central unit.I hope so because now at 9:30 at night it is still over 90 degrees in this place.I will struggle for one more night, rather then invade some one's home.Two great things could potentially happen tomorrow.Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.See ya tomorrow...
Monday, August 3, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Today I slept in again , even though I was not suppose to, was set to make calls.My pain meds got the best of me today. My voice sounded like crap , so sleep was a good option.Scott called me to tell me Mark is in stage four cancer.So that just made me feel even worse then I did already.Tonight I think I am going to go to dinner with Scott then there is a good boxing match on Showtime at 9pm.Rick hopefully you get a chance to read this today to figure out what time the matches come on in your time zone my friend.After the matches I will most likely stop in to the chat room to say hello to everybody. That is all for Friday and Saturday.See ya on Sunday....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I left another message for Manny but still have not heard back from him.Well hopefully he is so busy selling places that my place will just fall in line.We will see what happens in the coming days and weeks.I can not count on people that are suppose to be my friends, so lets see how things shake out.It was Gary's birthday today so I went over this morning after not sleeping much and also went over tonight for an hour or so.Tomorrow night we are going to go to dinner at a Chinese buffet or Golden Coral.Either way I will not be eating all day so I can stuff my belly full of food.
Today is one month since the death of my mother.It really was a fast month filled with all kinds of bad news.Like that song on HEE HAW "If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all." Well my hope is that august brings some much needed good news.We will find out together, in this here journal.Thank you to those of you that follow my life's ups and downs.See ya all tomorrow....
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Besides that really nothing else happened the entire day.Since quitting smoking cigarettes I have not gone over to Gary's because he is a smoking machine.One thing really bothers me though, I have not called so we have not spoken.It is amazing that if I do not initiate hanging out that he does not call me or anything.Most people I would think did not like me if that happened but he never wants me to leave when I visit.It is just laziness on his part.Believe it or not if it doesn't have to do with smoking,drinking,watching TV or sleeping then it is to much effort.By the way it is Sunday and like everything else Phil has promised ,his promise of giving me $100 Thursday or Friday fell by the waste side.Like that old country song says I need to start hanging out with a better class of losers.At least I do have some great people in my life.Tonight will be spent talking to friends in the chat room and then followed with a movie.See you tomorrow for the start of a new week....
Saturday, July 25, 2009
When arriving home it was like my body just woke up for some reason.So I fooled around on the computer and watched TV.By the time I looked at the clock it was after 8 in the morning.So stayed up to make calls from ten to eleven but no luck.Layed down at fifteen after eleven and woke up a little after four pm.After getting up, feed the cats, took meds , and returned phone calls.Only got in touch with Frank and he thought that I just slept and did not make calls.Olivia was sick and kept him up most of the night.Then he had a busy day scheduled, so he was beat. Called Scott back but he never returned my call.Then I left a message for Howard.The rest of the day I was downloading music off the internet and playing on the computer.
After my Mom died, my sister Joy was able to get in touch with my cousin Gary.He, Jeff, and Cory are the children of my Mom's sister Sid(my Aunt).Well Gary sent Joy an email with everybodys contact information.Today I decided to call and leave a message on all three of my cousins cell phones.Around 9 tonight Cory called me back.She was the only one to call me back but tomorrow Jeff and Gary will probably give me a ring.Cory and I for one reason or another just fell out of touch.She, like me is the youngest of the 3 kids.We also share the fact that we deal with depression and anxiety issues.She is also on disability due to her emotional problems.Unlike me she is married and has a son.We talked for 2 hours and it seemed like 5 minutes.We both had so much to say and so many question that we often talked over each other.It was so great and yes I am using the word great to talk to her.It was like a part of my life was reopened and this family member that has been a stranger for all these years has come back.I am already looking for campgrounds in the Tucson area to go there as soon as I get on the road.We will see what happens in the future but it is exciting,being excited about anything these days.Well hey what do you know something to report and it was good news.We will see if I can find some tomorrow.See ya then......
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tonight is pizza and movie night over Frank's house.Marci is having her girls night out, so Frank and I are doing guys night in.It really depends on what time I get home from his house whether or not I will see any of you on chat later.I hope so! See ya tomorrow....
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My nephew Steve is on his way over as this is being writted.He left a couple of messages while my body held down the bed.Before my mother's death Steve was living at his father's place in Georgia near Atlanta.Now he is staying at my sister Joy's house sponging off of them for a while.He is a slacker, just kinda cruising through life and staying for free at place to place.He is 25 and really does not have any direction.I love him but just wish he would do something with himself.Anyway he just got here I might write more later, if not see you tomorrow......
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The only other thing that I really did today was go shopping at Publix.I needed cat food, soda and something for diner.I ended up getting a sub sandwich for my meal.They had their brand soda buy one get one free so I stocked up and got ten of them.I went over to Gary's place for a little bit.I also measured the bed of my truck.It is eight feet long and five feet wide.I have decided to get either a campertop or flattop for the bed for additional storage. I am just starting to look, but it is going to depend on how tall my generator stands.If it fits under the flattop that would be better since its cheaper.Well we will see what tomorrow brings......
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Well ready for a big, big surprise? Are you sure you are ready and can handle the shock of this next statement.A shock to all as I mentioned it is around 5pm and have you seen Phil.Guess what, me neitherI.Called him at around 9:30am and left a message.He did text me back saying that his manager called and asked him to open the park.He said "won't be long call you when I get out"Hey giving the benefit of the doubt, that he had to stay and work all day.It only takes a minute to call or text,just to let me know that it is not going to work out again today.Anyway I am through waiting on Phil, if he comes around and everything works out, it at this point would be only a bonus.Not making excuses for him in the least but he has been going through alot of stuff as well.Everyone handles situations differently. Who is to say who is right or who is wrong?Certainly not me with all my hang ups and problems.I will just simply say that I would handle things in a different way then Phil is handling the situation.It does make me feel rather unimportant to someone that has been one of my best friends.Then again I have the opportunity to go to the office everyday to review my options and I have not so we are all messed up in our own way.
I did call my sister Joy today and had a nice little chat.She had told me she was on her way back from picking up my Mom's death certificate.I joked "How Fun" she said exactly no fun at all.She did tell me that she was going to give me $500 of my Mom's cash that was left in her account.Joy paid the funeral expenses out of that money and gave some to other family members.Do not know if $500 is good or bad but I feel fortunate to get it at this point in my life.That gives me a little security for next month anyway.I believe in my heart that Joy will do the right thing when it comes to splitting up my Mom's stuff.She knows the dire situation that I am in and has a good heart.She does deserve the lion's share since she was the one that was there everyday taking care of my Mom.I could have never done that,even if I was in better financial shape and not disabled.I told her today what a great job she did and that she should be very proud of herself for making my Mother's last year on earth as comfortable as possible.Joy is a strong woman and has gone through alot of stuff in her own life.Donna was there for my Mom as much as she could have been.She moved back down here from North Carolina the end of May and my Mom died on June 29.It was just meant to be that she was there for Mom holding her hand as she died.Part of me wishes that I stayed the extra 45 minutes from when I left the hospital to the time she died.Another part is so glad that I was not there to actually see her dead or experience the moment she died.Donna shared with me that she still has nightmares about that moment.I actually just called her to say hello.Be right back.OK I am back.My Dad called while on the phone with Donna.He found out that they are laying off people at his job.He will be one of the first to go because he makes big money compared to what they would pay the newer employees.Then my nephew Shane called me and we chatted for a bit.What was going to be a couple minute break turned out to be longer.It is now 6:30pm.Out of all of my family members Donna is with out a doubt the best person of the bunch.Not putting anyone else down at all,but she is very honest.She always stands for what is right and does not compromise.Joy is a good person as well but she has more business Savvy.Joy would not mind screwing over a couple people or bending the rules a bit in the process of getting something accomplished.I when in the business world was ruthless but always got the job done.So we are like the three bears.Donna's was to hot(meaning she would rather get stepped on then step on anyone), mine was to cold (I would step on anyone to get the job done right)and Joy was just right(She would step on people if need be but will never ever get stepped on).It is amazing just how different the three of us are as people.But, we all get along.support and love each other, which is the important thing.If my Mom's death did nothing else it brought the three of us closer.Well still have not heard from Phil so that wraps up another day.See you on what I hope is a fantastic Friday....
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
L decided to learn more about the practices of ZEN Buddhism.I do not care for any religious aspects just the concept of practicing mindfulness.Learning to live with less and getting more on focusing on the less.I have a bad habit of trying to do to much, to the point that I'm rushing through life.It causes me stress and anxiety that I do not need.Focusing on doing a few tasks and being there giving 100% of my attention is where I need to end up.If I can accomplish this one little thing I believe it will vastly effect the wholeness of my life.Instead of just enjoying the places I will go , I will also enjoy the drive.Stopping to smell the roses and only concentrating on the smell of the rose.Well we will see how that works out.....
Monday, July 13, 2009
As many of you read on RV-Dreams journal my first RV friend Howard and I talked on the phone.I really appreciated the phone call especially knowing the busy schedule him and Linda keep these days.From my end it really surprised me how well we got along as individuals.I expected Howard to be a good guy, just knowing his personality a bit from reading his writing so long.What was a pleasant surprise to me was the in depth conversation we were able to have.There was really no fluff in our talk and we were able to cover a wide range of topics.Him and I have more in common then I would have ever imagined.I really look up to him for not only what he was able to do with the website but the quality of human being.Truly one of the good people in the world.He has his own mind with his own way of viewing the world that makes him a desirable person to want to know and be around.It was funny in my post the other day I went out of my way to not say that the phone call from a friend was not Howard.I did not realise that he was going to write about it in his post.I liked it and did not mind one bit.I am proud to call Howard a friend of mine besides him always being my first RV friend.
Other then sleeping today,I talked on the phone for a while with Frank.He has been so great and understanding since my Mom died.Then I went to Gary's for an hour or so to hang out.Also downloaded a few movies of the Internet to watch.Ended up watching the new Terminator movie last night.I enjoyed it and the price was right.Tomorrow after I make my phone calls it will be time to go to blockbuster.This week a movie called A Haunting in Connecticut which is based on a true story.It looks pretty freaky.You know I love my horror movies and the fact that this one is true really kicks it up a notch.Hopefully I will get some money from Phil that he owes me as well.We will find out together in tomorrow's post......
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I had a really good time last night at Scott's house watching the UFC pay per view.Brock Lesnar won, so I was happy.He use to wrestle in the fake WWE.Now he is the world champion in the real ultimate fighter.Then when I got home Showtime was rerunning the boxing match that I wanted to see.Great night for me sports then more sports.I am a sportsaholic for sure.Anyway going to go back and talk to some of you wonderful people.See you tomorrow....
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Last night Joy and I were talking about the will.She is waiting for the death certificate to arrive before she can go to the attorneys.I was able to share with her on how hurt I will be if my mother did not leave me anything at all.But, I would not put it past her. When I was 13 years old I was bar mitzvahed ( I am part Jewish)and had a big party.My great mother kept all of my gift money.It was several thousand dollars.So that tells you a little bit of the type of person my mother was and why we did not talk for so many years.I am the only member of my family to ever graduate college.Even though my mother and I were not talking regularly, I expected at least a card,a phone call,I would have even settled for an email.Nothing, not a word ,much less a gift.That is why I can not believe that her death is bothering my as much as it has been.I try to think of good times and for every good memory that I remember, there is 10 bad thoughts.I will post the speech that I made at her funeral.I think I was able to say many things I wanted to, but do it in a way that came across as her still being my mom.No one came up and complained so that is good.A couple people actually said they loved it and it made them cry.Back to the point my mom knew how tough things are for me financially.So between that and just the point that no matter what I am her son.She did not help me much when she was alive, why would I think that she would help me in death.
My friend Hibbie called me today so we talked for a while.He knows its been a tough time around here, so he wanted to see how I was doing.He is also looking forward to me coming up in the RV, when I am a full timer.Who knows depending on when it actually happens I might end up staying hooked up to his house for a long time.Just a reminder he lives near Columbia, SC.In a little town named Gilbert.He has lots of land, with many tall trees all over the place for great shade.I could probably stay there for nothing and just have to take the trailer to dump it every couple weeks to a month.I figure that I will use the indoor facilities for going to the bathroom and showering.That will allow me to dump much less often.The change of scenery and more relaxed lifestyle is much welcomed.It is still in the back of my mind that in May, I will workamp in Granger,Indiana at the KOA.It was where I was suppose to go this year but hopefully next year is the year.Well anyway, I will see you tomorrow....
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Around 6:30pm I went over to Gary's for a couple of hours and vented about my life's situation.He is a good guy.I just wish that I was not such a downer but I'm not good a faking when I feel this down.Tonight I am going to watch a movie and try not to think.I did not make my phone calls again today.So tonight the alarm is set for 9am and no matter what time I fall a sleep, 10am is work time.Going to have to fake a smile for a couple of hours and set some appointments.Well I will see you tomorrow....
Monday, July 6, 2009
Joy called me while I was still in bed.So I gave her a call and she was just checking in on me.Once again I told her I was doing OK.She asked me if I made my phone calls for Frank today.Rather then going into detail about how fucked up I am, I just told her about my lack of ability to sleep.Frank also called me to check on me.He is a great friend and very understanding about whats going on.But, I could tell that he was a little not upset but disappointed that I did not make calls today.Tonight I am going to stay in bed no matter what so I can work tomorrow morning.I will go to bed at midnight, which is early for me,especially lately.My doctors office also called to confirm an appointment for tomorrow.I had to change it til the 21st because one I do not feel like going and two I have no money.It is a three hour round trip drive in gas ,plus my copay.I can not even afford to pay for my car and truck insurance right now.After tomorrow my drivers licence will be suspended because of having no insurance.So now I have that on my head on top of so much other shit.
I will really limit the amount I drive now because I can not get pulled over with no insurance and a suspended licence.So that means I will sit at home more and go more and more crazy.Yesterday I come to find out that MY FRIEND Phil took something of mine from my house.Yes even my so called friends are stealing from me.Way to kick a guy that is down.So now I seriously doubt that he is actually going to buy my place.All this time that I have been fucking around with him wanting to buy it I was not advertising or looking for buyers.Stupid me,trusting people that are suppose to be my friend.I really do not know how much more pressure I can take.I keep wondering why I am even trying to fight through all this negativity.With no money,no insurance,no friends,no mother, and no life what do I have to look forward to.Traveling is off with no money or insurance, so what the fuck do I have to live for anymore.I really do not have many friends, my family looks at me with pity and even the great people that I have met on the chat line have no need for a young loser that only complains about his life.It really hit me today how little I have to live for anymore.My cats are a big reason believe it or not.But they can be taken care of better then I can take care of them.I do not have money for vets,flea repellent, and many other important things.So I am even failing my responsibility as a pet owner.I am also not a good son,brother,uncle, or friend.I am in physical and mental pain 24 hours everyday of my life.I am overweight,started smoking cigarettes again the last month or so.I am so far behind financially that I will never catch up.I am not crying out for help to anyone because the facts are all true.I am sorry to have wasted the time of all of you that have read about my pathetic life over the past two months.I do not know what to do anymore I am really lost and afraid.Anyway its time for me to stop writing , sorry again....
About 5pm I went over Scott's to go swimming.He live 3 miles down the road from me,depending on if you get the lights it takes 5 to 15 minute to get there.When I left my house the sun was shinning and it was somewhere in the 90's.So as I am driving it is dark as hell over his house.I get there and 5 minutes later it is a storm from hell.It lasted about an hour.By that time Scott really did not feel like swimming.He went in basically to clean the pool instead of hanging out,It was not like I expected him to have the magic words to make me feel better but it was like pulling teeth talking to him yesterday.He is usually a great person to talk to but it was like he did not want to talk to me about my mom or my life yesterday.He has alot of dislike for my mom because of the way she fucked me up as a kid.We met when I was 15 and knows first hand the mistreatment that I went through.I think that he thought that I was going to ask him for financial help,(which I was not)during our conversation.He has done alot for me in the past but in all that help I have never asked him for a dime.But he has willingly helped me. on his own.He made the statement to me at the end of the night that things were tight for him right now.Which was another indication that he thought that I was there to ask for help.I was only there for emotional help which I did not recieve at all.
I got home a little after 9pm from Scott's house.I was feeling real down so I thought that I would try to lose myself in a movie.I had rented the action movie 12 Rounds from blockbuster.It was actually a very good action movie.It starred professional wrestler John Cena , who played a city cop.If you like action movies you will like this one, for sure.The W.W.E. has made a few movies now and the first couple were stinkers but the last two were OK and this one was good.After that I watched some TV, highlighted by The Honeymooners at 1am on WGN.I love that show so much. I have seen them all a million times but still love it.At 2am I tried to go to bed but could not.So I finally got up and watched TV til around 7 or 8am.Well I will start the Monday post now see you then....
Saturday, July 4, 2009
My sisters and I had to go early at around one to sign some papers at the cemetery.By the time we were done in the office people were starting to arrive for the service.Everyone got there and the service began.We all had prepared our own things to say to our mother.Joy went,then Donna,and then I went.After that the grandchildren, and great grandchild spoke to their grand mom.For what it was it was nice.No major problems at all.It was really hot out and everyone was crying.
After the service we all went to my sister;s house for catered food and to spend tine together.I really did not feel like hanging out at first but after a while I was able to hang out.My sister let me take home a bunch of food and I drove home to be alone.I was real burnt out from the day, so just watched the movie The Karate Kid and went to bed.Short journal entry but I can only say so much about today.See you tomorrow......
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I felt blah all day.It was nice being together but I felt so shitty that I could not enjoy it.Then my nephew Steve got some more upsetting news and brought everyone down with him.One funny note, I got passed the ketchup at diner and went to shake the bottle but the cap was loose and ketchup went splattering all over.It is just real frustrating because I can not think clear at all.No one understands that my mind literally shuts down on my when over stressed. I am just going through the motions of living my life right now.I am really lost and do not know what is going to happen in the next couple months.I will not believe the deal with Phil with buying my house will be done till I see the money in my hands.The way that I am viewing the world right now is very distorted.Mad at the world,mad at my life, and mad at myself.Everybody would be alot happier if it was my funeral on Friday.At diner I looked around and noticed that if I was not there nothing would be much different.My life does not positively effect one persons life in my family or friends.I am the albatross around my families life.Anyway hopefully tomorrow is a better day.For those of you that read my journal I apologize for the depressing and painful life that I've involved you in.See those still interested on the flip side......
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
About 5pm me,Donna,Shane,Julia,and Brandon went to the Carolina Ale House for diner.We were all starving from sitting around all day and not eating anything.It was a nice break,which we all needed badly.None of us talked about my Mom the entire meal.It was good to just talk to everyone.It has been a long time since we have all been together at the same time.I had a coupon for a free appetizer which we all shared.I got some chicken wings to munch on and they were yummy.For the first time ever my nephew Shane bought lunch.It was a very nice gesture.
After diner we returned back to the hospital to the fourth floor.There are only 10 rooms which are all hospice.we had to walk by a family that had just lost their loved one.We all lost it but luckily my Mom was sleeping.Mike and Brandon left for the night.Just after Donna,Shane and Julia took off.With just Joy and I left we talked about the situation.Without any mention or asking she handed me some money.She knows how bad that I am struggling financially.It was a surprising and wonderful gesture.I asked her for sometime to be alone with my Mom and say somethings I felt I needed to say.She was alert enough to give me a big hug and exchanged "I love you".As fucked up as I am from this whole situation, must admit I feel a little relieved to have the chance to say some things to my Mom while she is still alive.But,that being said I will have nightmares the rest of my life about the way my Mom looked and acted today.
A few weeks ago I made so comments about being angry with my Mom and other stuff about anger.That is all gone,like it was never there.Funny how priorities and what is important really changes when something so real like this happens.Man I really can not believe just how shaken and fucked up that I am.I feel life a zombie.If I did believe in a God after today I would tell him or her to go fuck himself.How can my Mom be this stranger laying in my mother's hospital bed.I would truly not wish this feeling on my worst if enemy's.Anyway after my phone calls tomorrow,I will head back to the hospital.Not looking forward to that at all.I really hope that traveling in my trailer is my calling because if not I truly do not know if I want to live anymore.I was miserable before going through this with my Mom.I do not want to be around to ever go through this again.My Dad will be 70 in February and just can not stop thinking of him.Anyway, I really can not write any more.See you tomorrow........
Saturday, June 27, 2009
On a much lighter note I got a chance to talk to Phil and he wants to 100% buy my house.We talked about him moving in on August first.Still have alot of details to work out. but we both want the same thing.It is a weird feeling knowing that my life is about to change.I have been wanting to full time for years and now I am scared.I still have to prove to myself that I can actually do it.Never fitting in,really makes it hard to feel confident that I will fit into the RV community.Really hope that this is the direction my life is suppose to take.Well I guess I will never know til I try.See ya........
Went home to take a shower and take my meds,Then I stuck on the television and watched sports center.About 2pm Gary came home from work at Pizza Hut.It was slow so he came home early.We sat and talked for a while and then Tony(person working on my a/c called me.He was working on it and needed me to turn on the unit inside.I clicked on cool a it worked.He double checked everything and it was good to go.So thank goodness, I am back in the normal temperatures instead of the heat.I moved my stuff from Gary's back home and did some wash.Took a shower and went to Frank's house to watch the movie Pink Panther 2.It was silly funny but exactly what the doctor ordered.I felt like a little kid going to the movies to see the original pink panther series.It really was nice to just not think about all the crap going on in my life, for a while.I truly love Frank and Marcy.They are such good people.We always enjoy our time together.Got home at around 11pm and watched a little TV.Another day done, see you tomorrow...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I feel that I am walking aimlessly in the smoke filled fog of the cold bitter night.No light to shine the way,nor fire to warm my bones.Just the part of me that fears the unknown.It is unable to be felt with my hands but looms heavy in my heart and mind.The screams are heard through the darkness.The sounds are ignored and the tears rain.Alone in a crowd or by myself. life mocks me and laughs at my pain.Succeed or travel where time no longer matters.
I felt a little poetic . See you tomorrow....
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Hello,It is now Tuesday and my last post was Thursday of last week.So this will be one super post rather than writing for each individual day.I am so behind on my reading of other journals that I do not know if I will ever catch up.Only 24 pictures made it for some reason so I apologise from the start about the lack of pictures from the trip.
I was already to go on my trip well before my brother in law picked me up from my house.Of course in typical fashion in my life just before they got here I started to get sick.Threw up in the bathroom a couple of times and then once in a bag in the car.We stopped for a cold drink and luckily I felt better.We got down to the port about 11:30 and by the time that we parked we got right on the ship.We were greeted with champagne and Orange Juice.We did a little looking around and then it was off to the pizza resteraunf.It was good Tuscan style pizza we had mushrooms, onions and peppers,We each only had a couple small slices.About that time my Dad and Sheila got there and we really surprised them.We sat in the buffet room so they could have lunch and we could chat for a while.Then we all went to our rooms to chill for a little bit and figure out a plan.After being in the room I went up to the 11th floor were the pools and hot tubs were and listened to the live band.My nephew Brandon went for a swim in the pool while I relaxed,looked at the girls and enjoyed the music.We all got together for diner in the formal dining room and tried just about everything.I had jerked chicken and a curry vegetable dish that was so good.After dinner we all made our way to the theater for a comedy and music show.It was such a good time and Brandon was called up on stage for part of the routine.He had to act like a dolphin,so the rest of the trip everyone was calling him the dolphin.They even showed the show over and over on the TV.I stayed up the entire first night and got some great shots of the sun rise.