Hello,It is a little after two in the morning here on the east coast.Yup, you guessed it having trouble falling a sleep again.Although I was only on chat for less then an hour tonight, a couple of chatters talked about their consistency in writing their daily journals.It got me thinking of the reason that I began to write this journal.One of the things it was suppose to do is log my daily moods and emotions.Lately, I have honestly just felt completely out of myself.For those of you that have never suffered from clinical depression or any other serious mental illness.No matter how much I or any other person that is or has been there explains it, you will never fully get it.You think you do because depression is something that we all at one point go through.But, compairing the type of depression that a well minded individual encounters to the severity of someone handicapped with a mental illness grapples is like having an infection from cold or flue and now you think you understand the fear and complexity of having cancer.This in no way is a far fetched exaggeration of the difference in levels of severity between being depressed and living in a depressed state.
My mind shuts my body and brain down to the point that I can not function.Not a conscience choice but an involuntary paralysis of my mind that turns off my functionality.It would be like trying to play a video game without the controller.Tonight, this morning I am writing about this for several reasons.One being that I think that it needs to be written and read by myself once in a while to keep me from beating myself up.Another is to remind my few readers that my words are never meant to cause pain or hurt anyone other then myself once in a while.So if at anytime if I have said anything that hurt anybody I apologize with all my heart.I am not saying I am sorry for any of my beliefs or non beliefs as it might be but to anything that might have been focused off of myself.On those days where for some reason I feel my butt needs a good kicking is only meant to hurt me and to vent.Dee,Rick, and Penny thank you for sharing your consistent patterns with me.You motivated me with your own stories and that should be all of our goals in life.
I've already mentioned Dee, who is such a wonderful person with a wide open heart.Rick my one true sports fan friend on the chat line and Penny the ray of sunshine second one she enters the room.Others that I have to mention that have touched me in such positive are many and I will try not to forget anyone if I do TO BAD!! No just kidding I'm sorry I forgot.Phyllis you are the friend everyone needs in their corner.Rob, man you and I have shared alot of personal stuff.Deb you are the fun loving girl that tells it like it is like it or not.I know there is a democrat in you somewhere.Nonna I love your accounts of all of your travels.Netters and Mac are the coolest people that I have ever met from Kansas.Of course they are the only people I've met from Kansas.In all seriousness these are two people I cannot wait to give big hugs one day.Their caring and love for people comes across any computer screen.Jake always has something cool going on in his little Texas town.Leno is like a caring aunt that only wants the best for you.Bill besides being cool in the shadow is the man to talk to if you need info.Lisa , even though I have not scene her in a while, is the constant comedian with a Tennessee sized heart.John our fire man is always been nothing but kind to me.Jenny always makes great points in her comments.Joe aka Speedy is just an unbelievable human being.Even though I have never had the honor and privilege of meeting him. He might never know how much our little chats have meant to me.I know that I have come across as needy to him because I admire him so much but thank you so much for being you.Needy for Speedy- that's pretty funny.You are a great guy and I hope I have never pushed your hand of friendship anything but closer.Anna is always nice with good conversation.Sandra is always on chat to short and bringing lots of smiles.It has been a long time since I have had the luck to chat with Linda but what a wonderful person she is just because that is who she is as a person.And last but certainly not least mt first RV friend Howard.We have shared great emails and phone calls.The only hope I have for Howard is that we get the chance to become closer and better friends.OK enough butt kissing- no really you all mean and enhance my life so much.If I forgot anyone please leave me a comment and forgive me.
Truth is one day I will most likely take my own life.I say this not to put up a flag or show I am out of my head.I am 100% sane at this moment but one day my physical and mental pain will be to much for me.So it is important for me to tell people how I feel, when I have the chance.Thank each of you for giving even one second of your life caring about me and my life, it means everything to me.Well it is getting close to my trip to Arizona and it doesn't even seem real.Anyway I will see you later Love Dave........