Monday, July 6, 2009

Meaningless Monday

Hello,If you read yesterday's post then you know that I went to bed around 7 or 8 in the morning.I got out of bed just tired as could be at around 3:30pm.It was another couple of hours of tossing and turning.I am writing this post at around 6:30 pm EST. So I have only been up three hours.Not alot of anything good to report.I am feeling really down today.Which is one of the reasons that I decided to write this post early today.That and the fact that I just wrote yesterdays post.

Joy called me while I was still in bed.So I gave her a call and she was just checking in on me.Once again I told her I was doing OK.She asked me if I made my phone calls for Frank today.Rather then going into detail about how fucked up I am, I just told her about my lack of ability to sleep.Frank also called me to check on me.He is a great friend and very understanding about whats going on.But, I could tell that he was a little not upset but disappointed that I did not make calls today.Tonight I am going to stay in bed no matter what so I can work tomorrow morning.I will go to bed at midnight, which is early for me,especially lately.My doctors office also called to confirm an appointment for tomorrow.I had to change it til the 21st because one I do not feel like going and two I have no money.It is a three hour round trip drive in gas ,plus my copay.I can not even afford to pay for my car and truck insurance right now.After tomorrow my drivers licence will be suspended because of having no insurance.So now I have that on my head on top of so much other shit.
I will really limit the amount I drive now because I can not get pulled over with no insurance and a suspended licence.So that means I will sit at home more and go more and more crazy.Yesterday I come to find out that MY FRIEND Phil took something of mine from my house.Yes even my so called friends are stealing from me.Way to kick a guy that is down.So now I seriously doubt that he is actually going to buy my place.All this time that I have been fucking around with him wanting to buy it I was not advertising or looking for buyers.Stupid me,trusting people that are suppose to be my friend.I really do not know how much more pressure I can take.I keep wondering why I am even trying to fight through all this negativity.With no money,no insurance,no friends,no mother, and no life what do I have to look forward to.Traveling is off with no money or insurance, so what the fuck do I have to live for anymore.I really do not have many friends, my family looks at me with pity and even the great people that I have met on the chat line have no need for a young loser that only complains about his life.It really hit me today how little I have to live for anymore.My cats are a big reason believe it or not.But they can be taken care of better then I can take care of them.I do not have money for vets,flea repellent, and many other important things.So I am even failing my responsibility as a pet owner.I am also not a good son,brother,uncle, or friend.I am in physical and mental pain 24 hours everyday of my life.I am overweight,started smoking cigarettes again the last month or so.I am so far behind financially that I will never catch up.I am not crying out for help to anyone because the facts are all true.I am sorry to have wasted the time of all of you that have read about my pathetic life over the past two months.I do not know what to do anymore I am really lost and afraid.Anyway its time for me to stop writing , sorry again....

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