Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sucky Sunday!!!

Hello,Today was a day that I have feared since I was a little boy.I went to the hospital around noon.My sister Joy was already in the room with my Mom.I got there and said hello to my Mom.She was out of it, talking and not making sense.She looked much worse then when I went to the hospital last.I lost it just could not stop crying.About 20 minutes after I got there my sister Donna,nephew Shane and his wife Julia arrived.Shane took leave from the air force and flew in last night with Julia.Shitty way to meet my new niece.She was very nice and really did a good job being a part of everything,in a hard situation.

About 5pm me,Donna,Shane,Julia,and Brandon went to the Carolina Ale House for diner.We were all starving from sitting around all day and not eating anything.It was a nice break,which we all needed badly.None of us talked about my Mom the entire meal.It was good to just talk to everyone.It has been a long time since we have all been together at the same time.I had a coupon for a free appetizer which we all shared.I got some chicken wings to munch on and they were yummy.For the first time ever my nephew Shane bought lunch.It was a very nice gesture.

After diner we returned back to the hospital to the fourth floor.There are only 10 rooms which are all hospice.we had to walk by a family that had just lost their loved one.We all lost it but luckily my Mom was sleeping.Mike and Brandon left for the night.Just after Donna,Shane and Julia took off.With just Joy and I left we talked about the situation.Without any mention or asking she handed me some money.She knows how bad that I am struggling financially.It was a surprising and wonderful gesture.I asked her for sometime to be alone with my Mom and say somethings I felt I needed to say.She was alert enough to give me a big hug and exchanged "I love you".As fucked up as I am from this whole situation, must admit I feel a little relieved to have the chance to say some things to my Mom while she is still alive.But,that being said I will have nightmares the rest of my life about the way my Mom looked and acted today.

A few weeks ago I made so comments about being angry with my Mom and other stuff about anger.That is all gone,like it was never there.Funny how priorities and what is important really changes when something so real like this happens.Man I really can not believe just how shaken and fucked up that I am.I feel life a zombie.If I did believe in a God after today I would tell him or her to go fuck himself.How can my Mom be this stranger laying in my mother's hospital bed.I would truly not wish this feeling on my worst if enemy's.Anyway after my phone calls tomorrow,I will head back to the hospital.Not looking forward to that at all.I really hope that traveling in my trailer is my calling because if not I truly do not know if I want to live anymore.I was miserable before going through this with my Mom.I do not want to be around to ever go through this again.My Dad will be 70 in February and just can not stop thinking of him.Anyway, I really can not write any more.See you tomorrow........

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