Sunday, May 31, 2009
After the movie the lack of sleep caught up to me and I went to take a nap.My sister Joy called me to invite me to diner.It was my nephews 13th birthday today.Joy was going to have a party for him but ended up not doing it.Then when I did not feel like going out to diner she gave me an attitude.Oh well, she will get over it.I have disappointed her many times by not going to different events over the last couple years.But in my defence most of those times I did not feel good mentally or physically.One thing that I needed to decide is to do what I want to do.I am not married and have no obligations to anyone but myself and my cats.That was actually a very difficult obstacle for me.When you suffer from identity or personality disorder, your first reaction is to do things that make other people happy.I realize that my choices are not the ones that everyone would make but I have to nurture myself.
One situation that I am not proud of that is going on currently is my Mom is in the hospital.I can not bring myself to visit her while she is in. A private note, my mother and I did not talk for 15 years.I have only started talking to her within the last year.It was a big step for me to release alot of the anger that I have towards her.She has her own mental issues and she was a very negative influence in my life.I am to old to continue to blame her for the mental and emotional problems that I suffer from.But if you knew my mother,I think you would agree it was not a healthy place to grow up around her.Of course if you ask her to this day she was the greatest mother in the world.As you can probably tell I have not nor will I ever fully forgive her for the hell she has put me through.Things that most mothers would do as a natural feature of being a mother, were like special favors that she would hold over your head.Because of her hot and cold abuse it left me lacking in personal interaction skills.This is one of the reasons that I have not been able to have a stable healthy relationship.Anyway the point is I do not want to see her in the hospital because at this point in my life I can not handle it.It is hard for me to just put on a smile and pretend that everything is OK.That is how I spent most of my life.Pretending my way through life.This also attributed to me having problems with identity.Because if you are constantly trying to be someone you are not, you lose who you really are.I am at 37, just beginning to learn how to create boundaries in my life.These boundaries are to only do the things that I am comfortable to do.Whether I choose not to do something because it physically,emotionally, mentally,or is something that I do not want, as an adult I owe no explanation for my actions.As long as I am not hurting or preventing others from living their lives, then I do not want to hear your reasons why I should do something.Also the only law that I break once in a while is smoke pot.It is a much better pain reliever then the Oxycontin that I take.Some might be strongly against marijuana but that is your problem it should be legal.It is much less abrasive the alcohol.But anyway let me get off my soap box.
The other day when I was at my brother Scott's auto shop, we were talking about this journal.I mentioned that I had some followers that actually care about me and my life.Then he asked me something that really made me think about my family life.He asked out of all of my followers, how many people in my family read my journal.Not one even though I have given each of them my site address.It brought me back to when I first learned about my borderline personality disorder. There is a book that I asked everyone to read that does a great job explaining in practical terms what I go through on a daily basis mentally.The book is called"I Hate You,Don't Leave Me".Guess how many in the family read that one? Actually my sister Joy did 8 years after I asked her to.The reason being my nephew Brandon, who just turned 13 today was diagnosed with BPD also.You know I really do not ask my family for much.I mostly stay to myself.Not one of them could take a couple of hours or show the least amount of interest in my life.Talk really is cheap! Coming to sit in a hospital when I have surgery is a nice gesture,actually Joy is the only one that ever even bothered to do that,but finding ways to help each other is much more important.
All that being said,I am not great at being there for my family either.No excuses, I am just not, it takes every fiber of my being to just get through my day.But, it is really a catch 22 situation staying to myself to protect myself, also prevents me from being a better brother, uncle, or son.Well hell I can not figure the answers in one day.Today I would really appreciate your comments.See you on Monday, I have a doctors appointment, fun fun....
Friday, May 29, 2009
Office at Delray Auto and Marine
My Brother Scott Working
Employee and Friend Arly
Outside part of the Shop
I left Wally world and went to my brother Scott's autoshop.I wanted to see how my truck was coming along, and i needed a new door handle for my car.I am happy to report my truck needed a new tire and front brakes.I thought that it was going to be alot more stuff.Well I need to take it to a place with an alignment machine for trucks.The only other thing I have to deal with is a slow leak in the top of the wind shield.I will go to an autobody and glass place for that one.The fact that I told them to go through the truck with a fine tooth comb and thats all they found how can I complain.I feel great knowing the truvk is in tip top shape hitting the road.Now I am going to do that with the travel trailer too.I hope to get an automatic satallite dish and someother stuff to get installed.My brother is also very creative so I would like him to share some of his ideas with me.
After that I just came home had some lunch and enjoyed the AC.Talked on the phone a bit and got on the computer.Tonight I will probably go on the chat line for a while and watch the basketball game,Maybe something else will come up but if it does I will write about it tomorrow.........
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Then I went to lunch with my brother and his employees.After lunch, I left my truck at my brother's mechanic shop.I want him to fix a bunch of little things and go through it with a fine toothed comb.New tires if it needs them and anything else that needs to be done.Getting ready for life on the road.This is a big step and I will talk to a gentleman that offered me a small amount for my moblehome.With the economy the way that it is and me not feeling great.It might be worth a little less money to not have to deal with the frustration of showing the place over and over again.Well we will see what happens and if it works out then I can start to make real plans. That would be so nice to actually have the ability to make reservations.
On a not so happy side of the day, Marc once again did not come through with his promise to fix my AC.I already have someone lined up if it is not completed by tomorrow.I know he is doing me a favor but he knows how hard it is for me to be on my meds without cool air.To make it even worse I had to call him after 7pm for the second day in a row.Gary said that it was selfish and rude for him to not even call me.Well hopefully I will be able to relax in my own house tomorrow.Well tune in and find out.....
Monday, May 25, 2009
The day began for me at 9 am. Still hot from having no air conditioning it was surprising that the bed was not more covered in sweat then it was in the morning.It was not a comfortable temperature but after many showers my body must have gotten more accustom to being hot.My friend Mark stopped over to check the air conditioning around 1pm. He came to the conclusion that it needed a new blower motor. Then he told me that he would grab me one on Tuesday from work and put it in that night.I can just pay him whatever the part costs.Well even though it is needed like a hole in the head to spend money , I cannot live in south Florida without AC for more then a couple of days.I really appreciate Mark taking time away from his family on a holiday weekend.I offered money, lunch or at least something but he rejected them all.He knows that my budget is tight and really made me feel great about how people can make a difference in other peoples lives.Thank You Mark!!!
Frank and Marci
Sunday, May 24, 2009
If my plans work out this is my schedule: Sometime in August drive from south Florida to Columbia SC then from Sept 12-Oct 6 I will go to Atlanta then to Chattanooga,TN, then to Nashville, on to Memphis to little rock AR to Dallas TX to Austin TX to San Antonio TX yo Kerrville,TX for the RV-Dreams Rally October 6 - 13.I am staying a week. From here I have no idea til I secure a workamping position.See ya tomorrow...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The morning began with the most thunder that I have ever heard in my life.I have been through several hurricanes so this is not said lightly.The term pouring does even start to describe how hard it was raining outside.Do not know if it was the dampness or the pressure but I literally could not move until about 1pm.My fingers were curled,my arms stuck to my side, it felt like I was paralyzed.Could not reach for the phone that was next to my bed.Was not able to get up to go to the bathroom.It was terrifying and frustrating all at once.
Finally my fingers began to return to normal and I was able to get up to use the bathroom.I made a couple of calls to reach out to a couple of people but they were to busy with their own lives to really care about what I was going through.Maybe they cared but there was nothing they could do.So I took my meds while I knew that I still had the ability to take them.Of course kinda freaked out I made sure that the phone was on me the rest of the day.
Many times I am hot because of some of the meds that I take,I'm overweight and the fact that I am in pain most of the time.So I checked the air conditioning to see if it needed to be lowered.I heard it turn on outside but there was no air flowing through the vents.This is just what is needed when trying to sell this place in the summer in south Florida.Something like this happened once before and I was told that the air condition coil froze up.So remembering this I turned off the a/c and am now sitting in my place with only fans on.The one bright note is that because of all the rain it is not in the 90s like it has been.I have decided to wait overnight before attempting to restart the air conditioning.Hopefully, it turns out that it just needed to thaw out.I hate living my life in such poverty.One thing goes wrong and I am screwed.Days like this are reason that I wish that i was not alive.I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.The thought of getting on the road and living my dreams while I still can is one of the only things that keeps me going.That and my cats, because no one will ever love them like I do.
My entire life I have always felt like I did not belong.It did not matter the time or situation.The odd ball in the group, just had trouble being one of the gang.After feeling this way in so many situations it is still difficult for me to know if it just me feeling that way or other people looking at me because I am different or do not belong.When you go through life this way you begin to question everything you do whether in a group or even alone.Sometimes in my attempts to fit in I will go to different extremes which end up pushing farther away from what is normal.I briefly mentioned a little bit about this in an entry a couple days back but since I am in this mental state right now I wanted to share more.I do not feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.I want to be liked and loved by everyone,but every night and most days I am alone.Even now sitting here writing this I reminisce about failed relationships from my past.Some friends and others girlfriends that I ruined because I am me.I have come up with only one conclusion of why I can never make these relationships workout.It is me! The problem is 100% me! I can not be normal,and do not know how to interact and show my feelings without being on the love or hate side of the fence.Not only is it me that is the problem but the fact that I hate me is where the rubber meets the road.
I am so scared that even the wonderful people that I meet on the road are going to dislike me.Especially the fact that I am young and without a family of my own.So many of the great people in the chatline speak about Sons and Daughters with pride.Many are retiring from there longtime careers.These are not only subjects but great accomplishments by these wonderful people.The only thing I can truly say that I am proud of is that I put myself through and graduated college.That being said every other thing in life has been a failure in one respect or another.I am 37 years old and will never be able to do so many things again in my life.My family knows I have problems both mentally and physically.None of them ever want to know how devastating these disabilities have been to my life.The common response is always there are people worse of then you.Well that is ashamed for those people and we all go through our own struggles but just because there are worse situations then mine does not make my situation any better.I do not have to live anyone elses life but my own.Trust me there are plenty of people that are doing much better then me and I do not get to be them either.
I hope that spending time on the road will allow me to truly get to know myself and a direction to head in.I want anyone that is reading this to know these things about me.I am a very loving and caring person that is trust worthy.I care deeply about my friends even though I might not have the skills to show it properly all of the time.I need to be assured and reassured that I am accepted and liked or loved.I do not want to be or do I try to be different or more unusual then everyone else. Things that are new to me ,are like there being introduced to a child at times.I apologize to anyone that reads my journal on a usual basis that just wanted to read a short happy tale, but I promise to be true to myself and record my feelings at the moment I write each day.Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.....
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Dad & Sheila
After a great movie, we had an even better dinner.Snappers is the name of the restaurant we went to eat.We had gone there one time before and all loved it.It is a seafood place with a large menu.My Dad and I got the same thing we both got the last time we were there.It is called the Admirals Platter and it is fit for a king.It had garlic mash potatos,scallops,shrimp,red snapper,Maine lobster tail and Alaskan king crab legs.Simply put, amazing! I do not get to eat like this that often but this is the second time that I have had lobster this month.Not bad for a very poor person.My Dad was kind enough to buy me a fantastic dinner.I told him I would have been fine going to get a burger or something much less expensive.He said it was his pleasure and who am I to rob him from that satisfaction.I really appreciate it,my father like many, works hard for every dime.Thank you Dad even though you will probably never read this journal.I love you and hope that we always stay as close of friends as we are today.
It was a really good day between being picked up. Then going to see a fantastic movie.Next to eat an unbelievable dinner.I will finish up the day by watching the final episode of American Idol.I really hope Adam Lambert wins the title.After Idol I will jump on the chat room to chat with some wonderful people.I wish I had more days like this one.Being with people I love and doing fun stuff.Join me tomorrow for a Thursday edition....
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Well I hope to sit around my new fire pit with all my readers . See you tomorrow
Monday, May 18, 2009
So, I figured I would venture out into the world a little bit.I went to Publix,which is our best food market down here in south Florida.I got all my stuff and checked out.As I was walking towards my truck,I noticed a young couple standing real close to it. I asked if I could help them and they were saying how much they love this style of truck.He even had a camera and started snapping some pictures.We chatted for a little bit and I loaded up the truck to drive home.Got home unloaded and put away all the groceries.At that point I remembered to bring in my garbage cans from the front and the drove up to the mailbox to get my mail.It has been a good week since I had checked so it was packed full.Of course 50% junk mail and 50% bills.After I got home I striped down and ran to the shower.It was in the 90s and very humid out.I sweat alot anyway but being on all my meds in the sun makes me pour.Of course the only hour or so that I was gone UPS had a delivery that needed my signature.Oh well they will try again tomorrow.
I am writing this at around 3pm eastern time and when I am done I will take a little nap to be refreshed for the final two hours of my favorite show 24.It starts at 8 and is on til 10 pm.Then I will join Dee and the rest of my friends in the chat room.Well off to bed I go. See you tomorrow....
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I just watched the Lakers destroy the Rockets in their game 7 final.It was not fun to watch because at no point in the game was it even close.As I am writing, the Magic vs the Celtics game 7 is going on.The Magic are up after the first period,so we will see how it turns out.My friend Phil is suppose to come over and watch the game with me.He is running late,and will be here around half-time.I will not bore you with sports two days in a row.
I did go out and sit for about an hour with Gary.It is a beautiful night for the middle of May here in south Florida.Got to witness a really pretty sunset,while sitting outside. Of course I did not have my camera with me and did not feel like going to get it so no pictures today.Well I am going to watch the game and relax.See you tomorrow....
Saturday, May 16, 2009
OK, that all being said today I slept til about 2pm. I did not go to bed until around 5 am so sleep was needed.I watched a crappy horror movie called The Grudge 3.Man was it bad, but I kept watching thinking something was going to happen.Unfortunately it never did and I wasted 90 minutes of my life.I love horror movies. I watch them late at night with all the lights off and the volume on my surround sound way up.I will miss my 65" high definition TV the most when I become a full timer.I only watch 3 shows religiously House, American Idol & 24.I am kinda bummed House already ended for the season.The show 24 Has a 2 hour finale on Monday night.American Idol has its final episodes Tuesday and Wednesday nights The rest of the time I will watch a movie or of course sports.
Now my main focus of sports is in the NBA playoffs. I predicted the Denver Nuggets vs The Cleveland Cavaliers in the finals at the beginning of the year and now they are both in their respective finals. Cleveland is waiting in the eastern division for the winner of the Boston Celtics vs The Orlando Magic.The Nuggets are waiting in the western division for the winner of the Los Angeles Lakers vs The Houston Rockets.Both the Celtics vs Magic and the Lakers vs Rockets last game, Game 7 will be played on Sunday.The pressure is on all those teams as the Nuggets and the Cavs just relax.
As mentioned the other day I am also paying attention to the MLB season.My Yankees are an embarrassment. The Marlins are just good enough to hang in there for most of the season.I do not start watching baseball closely til after the All-Star Game in July. Then the games mean alot, the baseball season is so long a loss here or there is OK. The season is 162 games for those of you that do no follow baseball. Compared to 82 games in basketball and only 16 in pro football.
For me football is a 365 day a year 24 hours a day 7 day a week sport. I follow every trade, loss or pickup the Dolphins make. Well really any team makes but I take the Dolphin moves more personal.The Dolphins have not won a title since the 1973 season so the Superbowl they won last was in 1974. I was 3 so I have never gotten to enjoy them winning the big one.Of all the things on my bucket list that I want to experience.It is one thing that I have no control over. I could die happy if I could honestly yell out We ARE#1.But like I said I have no control over it.We do have a great front office for the team, finally after many bad years.A man named Bill Parcell's is our vice president of foot ball operations. He has built winners where ever he has been. So, It is a good time to be a DolFan. Two years ago we went 1win 1and 15 losses. Then last year we turned it all the way around to 11 wins and 5 losses. We won our division and made the playoffs.
Well I love sports as you cam see by my enthusiasm writing about them.I like almost all of them and it is hard for me to comprehend people that are not interested but to each their own.I really do not know what my life would be without sports and do not want to think about it.Boxing is also a favorite of mine and on Saturday the 30th of May, it will be live here in south Florida.I am waiting to fund out from a couple of friends if we will go to the matches.I hope so, I have never been to the matches live. I was suppose to go a couple years ago in Las Vegas but Hibbie and I forgot about the time difference and planned to go to the fights at 8 pm.Only they started 8pm eastern time and the fights were over when we got there.Just my luck!
Well I guess sports helped me through another post. Til tomorrow....
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Glad to get that off my chest because I can no longer live a lie.HA HA! These cats are my kids and I spoil them. They love looking out all the windows of my trailer,so they can not wait to become full timers either.They are not use to being in their traveling cages just yet. I do not go out with them often enough for them to get use to the cages.I have taken them to my travel trailer a couple times ,which is about an hour away at my sister's house. A diesel truck is a little scary with all that noise so I think they will need time to get familiar with the truck sounds.I hope so, they still run like hell when I vacuum the house.I am a perfectly straight guy that loves his kitty cats.
Speaking of the truck I took some picture so you could see my 1995 F350:
That is my house in the background.
Here is a picture of my little white 1993 Toyota Paseo. I bought it new and boy have I gotten my money's worth.Still gets over 30 M.P.G.
Well that's all I have to share with you today. See ya manana!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
As you can see some pretty sights and even though it was hot in the sun.There was a nice cool breeze that breathed in from over the lake.You do not want to swim in this lake as South Florida is one of the only places to have crocodiles and gators. In the winter you can see them sunbathing on the shore. I do not have the knowledge of birds like Howard and Linda but just in the hour or so I was there I noticed at least 20 different types.I could not name you one to be honest but I thank H&L for making me notice the majesty and beauty of these flying creatures.If anyone can tell me what type of bird I have in the picture above I would appreciate it.Til Tomorrow....
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I am going to include a picture of my23 year old nephew Shane. He is in the Air Force doing training in northern California currently.I am so proud of the man he has become. There was a time that he lived with me for about a half of year after failing the sixth grade.I was in college at the time and taught him how to study.I was real hard on him when it came to his school work. His last report card living with me was straight A's. He had alot going on in his life so it was not just my help. Then he got into playing football and had to keep his grades up for that.He will be stationed for four years near the Hoover Damn. Not bad an hour away from Vegas.
Monday, May 11, 2009
OK, I will mention a story that my brother Scott enjoys to tell about a situation that happened to me at a Halloween party in 2003.Now any starched republicans might get a little taken aback, but I will share the story anyway.I will not use any bad words but one word is not so nice so I will just give the first letter. Then you adults out there can fill in the blanks as you see fit. The story is called THE GREAT C*** BLOCK OF 03. Hope you can figure it out when the story is over.
OK so about 30-40 adults and a few kids were dancing and having a good old time at this Halloween party. I was dressed in a ghastly purple pimp costume fully equipped with the purple hat too. Unfortunately there are pictures but not from a digital camera I will find out how to get them to you if you are interested. Well on with the story. I have never claimed to be nor been confused with Brad Pitt. But on this night of drunken splendor a beautiful blond bombshell was on me like white on rice. Hey, I did not believe it either, but I have witnesses and hard copy pictures to prove it. Gentleman it was one of those being single nights that I could do no wrong. My stories were interesting ,my jokes were funny(I did mention there was drinking going on). So this young woman kinda cornered me in the backyard not that I was trying to run away. We kissed under the what I assume to be full moon. Then my niece and her friend caught us kissing ,so she asked me to go home with her. Now who am I to turn down the request of a beautiful lady(well at least a woman). So I am literally getting High fives from guys I do not even know walking out the door just to emphasize how lovely this girl was that night in her bad witch costume with black pantyhose. So just as we are about to leave her sister swung in like Tarzan swinging on a vine to help woman away from the barbaric natives. She said I am taking you home and away went the beautiful blond in sisters hands. I was stunned, bewildered,horrified, shocked, embarrassed, place adjective here_____ I felt it. Once again I had guys and married ladies that I did not know consoling me. I think most of the married guys were more upset then I was that night. But, being a trooper I picked up another beer and met some really fun people. Also the Marlins won the world Series that night so that kinda made up for it, kind of(yea right). I left the party believe it or not in high spirits but that night a part of me was without a doubt blue.
I know this is not your typical G rated story that you find on these travel journals but I warned you that I was different. I hope that after you get done blushing or saying your prayers or do whatever it is that you do, you realise that this story is real and meant for a chuckle or a laugh. Hope you found some entertainment on my behalf. Tonight I will watch my shows House and 24 then go on the chat room. Tomorrow is another day and another story.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My Bro Scott, Sister -in-Law Lisa, Nephew Tony, and my niece Amanda pretty in pink
My Step-Sister Stacey
It turned out to be quite the enjoyable day. Everybody being together laughing and joking around is always nice. Amanda was very kind in getting me a cup of soda with ice. I really appreciated that act of kindness.It might not seem like a big deal but the fact she got me the drink without me asking her to was so nice. She was not feeling that well so it made me feel warm and fuzzy for her to go out of her way for me. There were also two dogs at the house. Ozzy who lives at the house and Gia my step sister's little child.A friend of the family and her 4 year old son were there as well.Unfortunately I did not take pictures of Jordan or mommy Edy. Sorry about that.
Scott went all out to insure every ones happiness. He served an absolutely unbelievable meal that included surf and turf. The surf was a delectable Maine Lobster and the turf was Fillet Mignon cooked to perfection. They served this with risotto and peas, soooooooooo goooooooood!I also had a chance to watch the end of the Houston Rockets beating up the Lakers in the fourth game of their playoff series. It was really great spending time with everyone even though I did not feel 100%. I wish my sister Joy lived closer,but what can you do?If i could have gone both places and spent time it would have been tremendous.
At the end of the evening after everyone left Scott,Lisa and I had a very serious talk about me and my lack of self confidence.They were very kind and inspiring telling me how impressed they were with the fact that I put myself through college. It all started over a conversation about Jamaica and Rasta Farians believe it or not.Weird how you can go from a fun chat to a heart to heart in a matter of moments.They tried to drive home the principle that even with my disabilities I need to tap into my potential.I told them about all the great people that I met on RV-Dreams especially talked about Howard and Linda.My talk made me feel life someone was really paying attention to my life.I am not complaining about anyone else at all but we all get busy living our lives.I love all of my family and friends. But at least in my life with everything going on with my health and other stuff,there is not always time to have deep, meaningful conversation that shows you how much admiration others have for you. With all of my mental challenges that I go through it is nice to hear. Well with that being said I will end this day with happiness for spending time with family and a full belly.Till tomorrow.....