Sunday, May 31, 2009

Relaxing Sunday

Hello all and welcome to my relaxing Sunday.For some reason the one day that I can sleep in, because I do not make my phone calls.I ended up waking at 8 am.Very confusing to me how that works out. Every other day it is hard for me to get up at 9:30AM.Especially the fact that I went to bed after 4Am.So I wrote my post that I forgot to do yesterday.Then I went to CVS to pick up so prescriptions.Came home ate some chicken with bbq sauce.Next watched the DVD KillShot, with Micky Rourke and Diane Cannon.It was OK, surprisingly with that cast it was a lower budget movie.While watching the movie I munched on some chips and salsa.Just to make sure I took an extra antacid pill.

After the movie the lack of sleep caught up to me and I went to take a nap.My sister Joy called me to invite me to diner.It was my nephews 13th birthday today.Joy was going to have a party for him but ended up not doing it.Then when I did not feel like going out to diner she gave me an attitude.Oh well, she will get over it.I have disappointed her many times by not going to different events over the last couple years.But in my defence most of those times I did not feel good mentally or physically.One thing that I needed to decide is to do what I want to do.I am not married and have no obligations to anyone but myself and my cats.That was actually a very difficult obstacle for me.When you suffer from identity or personality disorder, your first reaction is to do things that make other people happy.I realize that my choices are not the ones that everyone would make but I have to nurture myself.

One situation that I am not proud of that is going on currently is my Mom is in the hospital.I can not bring myself to visit her while she is in. A private note, my mother and I did not talk for 15 years.I have only started talking to her within the last year.It was a big step for me to release alot of the anger that I have towards her.She has her own mental issues and she was a very negative influence in my life.I am to old to continue to blame her for the mental and emotional problems that I suffer from.But if you knew my mother,I think you would agree it was not a healthy place to grow up around her.Of course if you ask her to this day she was the greatest mother in the world.As you can probably tell I have not nor will I ever fully forgive her for the hell she has put me through.Things that most mothers would do as a natural feature of being a mother, were like special favors that she would hold over your head.Because of her hot and cold abuse it left me lacking in personal interaction skills.This is one of the reasons that I have not been able to have a stable healthy relationship.Anyway the point is I do not want to see her in the hospital because at this point in my life I can not handle it.It is hard for me to just put on a smile and pretend that everything is OK.That is how I spent most of my life.Pretending my way through life.This also attributed to me having problems with identity.Because if you are constantly trying to be someone you are not, you lose who you really are.I am at 37, just beginning to learn how to create boundaries in my life.These boundaries are to only do the things that I am comfortable to do.Whether I choose not to do something because it physically,emotionally, mentally,or is something that I do not want, as an adult I owe no explanation for my actions.As long as I am not hurting or preventing others from living their lives, then I do not want to hear your reasons why I should do something.Also the only law that I break once in a while is smoke pot.It is a much better pain reliever then the Oxycontin that I take.Some might be strongly against marijuana but that is your problem it should be legal.It is much less abrasive the alcohol.But anyway let me get off my soap box.

The other day when I was at my brother Scott's auto shop, we were talking about this journal.I mentioned that I had some followers that actually care about me and my life.Then he asked me something that really made me think about my family life.He asked out of all of my followers, how many people in my family read my journal.Not one even though I have given each of them my site address.It brought me back to when I first learned about my borderline personality disorder. There is a book that I asked everyone to read that does a great job explaining in practical terms what I go through on a daily basis mentally.The book is called"I Hate You,Don't Leave Me".Guess how many in the family read that one? Actually my sister Joy did 8 years after I asked her to.The reason being my nephew Brandon, who just turned 13 today was diagnosed with BPD also.You know I really do not ask my family for much.I mostly stay to myself.Not one of them could take a couple of hours or show the least amount of interest in my life.Talk really is cheap! Coming to sit in a hospital when I have surgery is a nice gesture,actually Joy is the only one that ever even bothered to do that,but finding ways to help each other is much more important.

All that being said,I am not great at being there for my family either.No excuses, I am just not, it takes every fiber of my being to just get through my day.But, it is really a catch 22 situation staying to myself to protect myself, also prevents me from being a better brother, uncle, or son.Well hell I can not figure the answers in one day.Today I would really appreciate your comments.See you on Monday, I have a doctors appointment, fun fun....


  1. Dave you certainly have had your share of problems. You seem to be in a place where you have learnt how you can deal with them. You have to think of yourself and not worry about others. You are the only one responsible for you......
    My husband suffers from PTSD. We don't expect others to understand it and many don't. He has been thru alot but currently doing well.
    Sounds like you have enough on your plate to just get thru each day. Continue to join us in this wonderful journey of travel. We are so fortunate to explore this beautiful country.

  2. The only advice I can give you in dealing with your situation with your Mom...she will be gone someday...and you do NOT want to live with regrets...that being said...You'll figure out what you have to do, so that you can continue your life without any regrets concerning her...I don't know all the she did to you...but you are right in knowing that you're of an age that you cannot hold onto that as an excuse...What you can do is carry on with your life and be the best person you can be...As for your siblings...move beyond your feelings about them...and be a great uncle...those are relationships that you can make good...the ones that can make their lives easier...