Friday, May 15, 2009

Did Not Feel Great Today

Play Song on Video when Reading.
Friday to the working person is a great day if you have your weekends off.When you are off everyday the days are separated by the days you feel OK, and those that you do not.Today was one of those that I just did not feel to great. I slept in thinking that would shake the bad feelings and pain away.Surprise, both were there upon my waking up.Some days peanuts,some days shells is my motto.

One thing that I need my readers to understand is that my emotional issues are just as prominent as my physical.I have something called Borderline Personality Disorder, which is complex and difficult to deal with for me.It is also sometimes difficult to deal with me when it gets the best of me.This is one of the reasons that I am still single today.I want the relationship to work so badly that I act irrational and end of scaring away my potential mate. It makes me feel like a child lost in the forest, so if I ever come across a needy or clingy, it is the BPD sticking its ugly head out.I am taking several medications to battle it but sometimes it still can show itself and bite me on the ass.

Along with BPD, I was also diagnosed as Bipolar. Which was scary for me to find out because you hear all the stories of Manic people.It is controlled well with my meds so fortunately I do not have to deal with the extreme highs and lows that I use to have. But like anything meds only suppress and do not eliminate all symptoms.It is kind of a double edged sword to be a big guy.One people expect this tough guy and if you show emotion it is a sign of being wimpy.The other is the fact that weather through my disorders or my nature I am a gentle soul, with strong emotions.I can defend myself if needed but I am a softy that has been stepped on to often.

The third diagnoses that I suffer from is Attention deficit disorder (ADD).It distracts me from enjoying the moment.It really sucks and the meds help some of the time.For example I love most sports.Instead of being able to enjoy the game itself, my mind can not wait til the end. This is a major cause of stress for me and prevents me from reading like I did in the past.I lose my chance to stop and smell the roses. This is one of the reasons that becoming a full timer is so important to me. My hope is that my mind relaxes with the beautiful surroundings and allows me to enjoy each moment.One thing is the great people that understand the philosophy of enjoying the moment.I love the fact that I am younger then most full timers because my hopes and feelings are that many will take me under their wings. I hope that this lifestyle is a help for me to get back a feeling of normal.Between the physical pain and mental anguish I have gone through. It has made me very suicidal in the past.Becoming a full timer and doing something with my life is my only hope to find a purpose to continue to be on this planet.

With these all about me that has been shared. I hope that it did not push anyone away from me.Even with all that on my plate I feel I am a good, caring person.I have the capacity to love and be loved.It might be a little more difficult to get to the center of my tootsie pop but it is worth it.I have above average intelligence,which is sometimes shaded by the medicines and confusions, I wrestle with. So for the few that read my journal, I hope that this gives you a better idea of what I deal with and not who I am. I am worth the extra effort to get to know and look forward to learning from anyone that cares to get to know me. I believe in friendship for life and being there when the chips are down.I have alot of love to give, and hope to share it with many of you out in this great big land of ours.Well til our next visit....

1 comment:

  1. I like reading your blog because you are so honest...keep it up!