Saturday, May 23, 2009

Pouring Saturday

Hello for the Saturday edition of my little journal. If you are in a good mood then make a u-turn now.I promised myself that I would be true when writing.No matter how long or how short the entry. I will tell no lies.That being said today in every aspect,except the Yankees winning a great game, sucked for me.There are many other words that could have been used to describe today but sucked was the nicest I could come up with.

The morning began with the most thunder that I have ever heard in my life.I have been through several hurricanes so this is not said lightly.The term pouring does even start to describe how hard it was raining outside.Do not know if it was the dampness or the pressure but I literally could not move until about 1pm.My fingers were curled,my arms stuck to my side, it felt like I was paralyzed.Could not reach for the phone that was next to my bed.Was not able to get up to go to the bathroom.It was terrifying and frustrating all at once.

Finally my fingers began to return to normal and I was able to get up to use the bathroom.I made a couple of calls to reach out to a couple of people but they were to busy with their own lives to really care about what I was going through.Maybe they cared but there was nothing they could do.So I took my meds while I knew that I still had the ability to take them.Of course kinda freaked out I made sure that the phone was on me the rest of the day.

Many times I am hot because of some of the meds that I take,I'm overweight and the fact that I am in pain most of the time.So I checked the air conditioning to see if it needed to be lowered.I heard it turn on outside but there was no air flowing through the vents.This is just what is needed when trying to sell this place in the summer in south Florida.Something like this happened once before and I was told that the air condition coil froze up.So remembering this I turned off the a/c and am now sitting in my place with only fans on.The one bright note is that because of all the rain it is not in the 90s like it has been.I have decided to wait overnight before attempting to restart the air conditioning.Hopefully, it turns out that it just needed to thaw out.I hate living my life in such poverty.One thing goes wrong and I am screwed.Days like this are reason that I wish that i was not alive.I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.The thought of getting on the road and living my dreams while I still can is one of the only things that keeps me going.That and my cats, because no one will ever love them like I do.

My entire life I have always felt like I did not belong.It did not matter the time or situation.The odd ball in the group, just had trouble being one of the gang.After feeling this way in so many situations it is still difficult for me to know if it just me feeling that way or other people looking at me because I am different or do not belong.When you go through life this way you begin to question everything you do whether in a group or even alone.Sometimes in my attempts to fit in I will go to different extremes which end up pushing farther away from what is normal.I briefly mentioned a little bit about this in an entry a couple days back but since I am in this mental state right now I wanted to share more.I do not feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.I want to be liked and loved by everyone,but every night and most days I am alone.Even now sitting here writing this I reminisce about failed relationships from my past.Some friends and others girlfriends that I ruined because I am me.I have come up with only one conclusion of why I can never make these relationships workout.It is me! The problem is 100% me! I can not be normal,and do not know how to interact and show my feelings without being on the love or hate side of the fence.Not only is it me that is the problem but the fact that I hate me is where the rubber meets the road.

I am so scared that even the wonderful people that I meet on the road are going to dislike me.Especially the fact that I am young and without a family of my own.So many of the great people in the chatline speak about Sons and Daughters with pride.Many are retiring from there longtime careers.These are not only subjects but great accomplishments by these wonderful people.The only thing I can truly say that I am proud of is that I put myself through and graduated college.That being said every other thing in life has been a failure in one respect or another.I am 37 years old and will never be able to do so many things again in my life.My family knows I have problems both mentally and physically.None of them ever want to know how devastating these disabilities have been to my life.The common response is always there are people worse of then you.Well that is ashamed for those people and we all go through our own struggles but just because there are worse situations then mine does not make my situation any better.I do not have to live anyone elses life but my own.Trust me there are plenty of people that are doing much better then me and I do not get to be them either.

I hope that spending time on the road will allow me to truly get to know myself and a direction to head in.I want anyone that is reading this to know these things about me.I am a very loving and caring person that is trust worthy.I care deeply about my friends even though I might not have the skills to show it properly all of the time.I need to be assured and reassured that I am accepted and liked or loved.I do not want to be or do I try to be different or more unusual then everyone else. Things that are new to me ,are like there being introduced to a child at times.I apologize to anyone that reads my journal on a usual basis that just wanted to read a short happy tale, but I promise to be true to myself and record my feelings at the moment I write each day.Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.....

1 comment:

  1. I learned a long time ago that until a person comes to a place in their life that they accept who they one else is going to accept them either...I also learned that as long as a person lives their life in a way that makes them happy and hurts no one else...who cares what anyone else thinks...I've learned that you meet a lot of people...some stay in your life forever...some for just a brief time...but enjoy them for that time...and let it go...There are a couple of sayings that represent the way I live my life....1. Inefficiency on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. 2. Sometimes ya just gotta say...WHAT THE _ _ _ _! 3. _ _ _ _ em if they can't take a joke. 4. As long as it make me's all good.